I'm In the Papers!

The following is an article that I wrote for the Sun-Sentinel.  It appeared in an education spread in the Sunday paper.  Pretty cool experience.  Got a picture and everything.  Maybe they'll hire me as a freelance columnist...Pulitzer Prize, here I come!

There’s been a lot said in recent weeks about fixing public education, about righting the sinking ship that is our public schools. But public education is not broken—the system that surrounds public education is. The problems that we find in our schools stem from a much larger system that is woefully out of sync with the needs of students and teachers. The control within the classrooms has been removed from the hands of the teachers—specific curriculum is mandated, irrelevant testing is forced, funding is non-existent, and support is minimal. Those that make the decisions in public education are not in public education. Many have not been in a classroom since they were students and that simply does not equate to them suddenly being experts in the field. I go to the dentist twice a year, but you wouldn’t want me performing a root canal on you, would you? They are the system, but they are not public educators. It seems to me that there is always an attempt to fix public education without any attempt to fix the system.


As in any professional field, there are exemplary teachers and teachers who do not quite meet expectations. Fortunately, I believe there are far more in the first category than the latter. The exemplary ones, the ones that students remember for a lifetime, are the teachers who put the students ahead of themselves. They’re the ones who come in every day with the idea that every child sitting before them throughout the day has the ability to learn, wants to learn, needs to learn, and will learn—they’re the ones who serve as educational guides, mentors, role models, and friends. Broward County is full of teachers like this and many of them are being lost in the system and politics that surround public education.

The greatest reward I can be given as a teacher is to simply be allowed to teach. Let me direct my classroom in the manner that my professionalism and expertise dictates. Allow me the time to reach the students on their level and not simply lump them all together as a single product. Allow me to determine the best methods of conveying information to those in my classroom and the ability to assess those kids in a fashion that is fair and equitable. Allow me to be judged by the long term effect that I have on my students, not the short sighted vision of a politician looking to stay fresh in the minds of voters for the next election cycle. Education is a process and it must be allowed to progress as such. Those are the rewards I seek; those are the rewards most teachers seek. Stop trying to fix public education and focus on fixing the system that surrounds it.

http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/opinion/commentary/fl-outlook-education-shelley-0523-20100523,0,3307468.story
 

Sonny in the Subway

On my recent drive back from New Orleans, my family and I stopped off somewhere in the Florida panhandle for a quick bite to eat at the local Subway. I say ‘somewhere’ because in all honesty, I have no idea what the little town’s name was. In that part of the state, most of the towns either have Native American names that are physically and linguistically impossible to pronounce (my theory is that the Native Americans did this on purpose as part of a revenge plot against the white man for stealing the land in the first place) or they are simply referred to by the exit ramp number of the nearest highway. I believe we were somewhere between Wewahitchka (roughly translated from Seminole to mean “Land of Roadkill”) and 233A.


Surprisingly, because it was already 8:30 at night, there was quite a line. My wife left me with the order and took the girls to find a seat. And I waited. And waited. And waited some more. As I stood in the sea of small town humanity I noticed some obvious differences between myself and the local hunters and gatherers surrounding me. Most noticeably was attire. I, for example, had chosen not to wear camouflage on every square inch of my body. I was alone in this particular fashion statement. Up to this point in my life I had been shamefully unaware that camouflage is an accepted pattern of material for items including sun dresses, bathing suits, and sandals. If this Subway had been located in the woods, I would have felt alone in that line.

Now, I’m not writing this to make fun of the fine folks in northwest Florida, but rather to relay a conversation that took place behind me in line between a boy and his grandfather. I had just completed ordering my sandwiches and was patiently waiting for the order to be filled by a lovely pregnant teenager with a nose ring and approximately four remaining teeth. She had just gotten done explaining to me why she couldn’t give me a cup for ice water (“My boss don’t let us give them out no more on account of all them thieven’ youngsters who grab them a cola instead”) and had gone about the business of slapping pre-cut slices of turkey onto a whole wheat roll. The duo behind me had started giving their order to the young man behind the counter who apparently was in charge of beginning every sandwich and then handing off the complicated issues, such as lettuce and salt, to the endearing young debutante whom I have just discussed. The grandfather began the order and skillfully read from a list of sandwiches that he needed prepared. The boy, maybe age 10, watched on in awe. When it came time for the last sandwich to be ordered, the young’un pleaded with his grandfather to order it himself. “Please, PawPaw, let me git my own sandwich this time!” PawPaw was happy to oblige. Below is the actual play by play of the conversation that followed:

Boy: I wanna five dolla foot long sandwich on bread.

Man: What kinda bread you want?

Boy: The foot long kind.

Man: But what flavor bread you want?

Boy: The one that tastes like bread (cocks head to the side).

PawPaw: Give him the white kind.

Boy: Yeah, the white kind.

Man: Ok, what kinda sandwich you want?

Boy: The five dolla foot long.

Man: But what kind?

Boy: The five dolla kind…dint you hear me?

(At this point, I seriously considered turning around and exclaiming, “Who’s on first,” but I feared that they would not understand my reference style humor and I did not wish to be labeled as a snooty city-folk.)

PawPaw: Sonny, you got to pick from this picture (points to illustrated menu on the sneeze guard).

Boy: Gimme the meat one…for five dollas.

PawPaw: He wants roast beef.

Man: You want cheese?

Boy: Only if it’s yella and it’s still the five dolla kind.

Man: Yes, all the foot longs are five dollars.

Boy: Well, why ain’t ya say that in the first place?

It was around this time that Miss CrystalMeth 2010 completed my order, gave me the two cups for soda (not water), and sent me on my way. I could not hear the boy’s conversation with her as he began ordering the vegetables and other toppings, but I wish I had. There’s something comforting about small town folks, especially those up in the panhandle, just a spitball away from Alabama. They’re earthy and genuine, and they make me feel good about myself and my family. And while they might not have the best fashion sense or understanding of grammar, hygiene, or dental care, they’re good folks. And more importantly, kids like Sonny are going to determine the salaries of all the teachers in those northwest counties. God bless ‘em!

Dear Governor Crist

Dear Governor Crist,


Over the past few months, I have written several letters to your colleagues in both the State Senate and the State House regarding SB6/HB7189. I have spelled out for them the legitimate reasons as to why so many teachers are opposed to this bill. I have stated both fact and opinion, and in return I have received computer generated responses and form letters from assistants. I do not believe that a single legislator actually read a single letter. So it was no surprise when SB6 flew through committee and a floor vote straight down party lines. It was also expected when HB7189 rolled right through its committee reading on party lines as well. And unfortunately, I fully expect the same thing to happen in the House floor vote later on today. Contrary to their job descriptions, your colleagues are voting for the party, not the people.

With this realization comes a sadness in my heart. See, I am one of those true believers who still carries a element of naiveté in my thoughts about America. I still believe in government of the people, by the people, and for the people. I still believe that most elected officials want what is best for the people they represent—that regardless of what end of the political spectrum they lean to, they remember the one constant that is affected by every decision and every vote they make…the people. And I don’t think that the people want this bill.

This is a bad piece of legislation. It is un-researched and vague even in its most basic elements—criteria, funding, and necessity. What’s worse is that it was not asked for. Who were the constituents that plead with Senator Thrasher to create a bill that would essentially kill public schools in the state of Florida? Which voters wrote to his office and insisted that a law be written that experience and higher education be eliminated from a teacher’s resume? What citizen asked the senator to remove the funding of the National Board program—a program that guarantees that Florida retains the highly qualified teachers that his own party’s NCLB law mandates? So I ask you, Governor Crist, is this a people bill, or a party bill?

As a teacher, I understand that there are glaring areas in public education that need to be addressed. I agree that there are teachers in schools who need to be removed but are protected by continuing contracts—and yes, that needs to be addressed. But I also understand the outlying factors in public education that are well beyond the four walls of a classroom. I understand that home life and support varies from student to student and that the playing field is not level (not even close). I understand that state budget cuts have left schools woefully understaffed and classrooms neglectfully unsupplied. I understand that I am forced to teach with ten year old textbooks because the state decided not to adopt new ones this year. I understand that I am given a curriculum that I must follow even though it does not utilize the methods of teaching that I feel will reach the students in a more effective manner. I understand that these things are out of my control…and I understand that the representatives in Tallahassee don’t care.

As a parent of two students in the public school system, I fear that this bill will turn my local elementary school into a test preparation center. I fear the removal of the arts (which is happening in my district as I write this letter) from the elementary curriculum, and with it, a removal of the emotional side of education—the education of the whole child. I fear that what remains of vocational education in the middle and high schools will all but disappear and that my daughters will not have the experiences of real world education that I received as a student in the same public schools. I fear that my daughters will believe that education is merely about a test, and worst of all, that their current love for school will quickly dissipate.

Governor Crist, as Attorney General you stood up against your own party to ensure that the will of the people was acknowledged in the Terry Schiavo case. As Governor, you broke with party policy on economic and environmental issues because it was right and it was what the people wanted. And as a former Education Commissioner, you must realize the negative impact that HB7189 will have on the students and teachers in Florida. This is not the next step forward in education; it is a giant leap back.

I have no doubt that HB7189 will shortly arrive on your desk and await your signature. And I have no doubt that the pressure placed on you from your own party to sign the bill will be immense. But I do not see this as a dark political time for you, but rather as an opportunity for you to once again let the citizens of Florida know that you are standing up for them and not a political party. Though it sounds overly dramatic, it is true when I say that the future of education in this state lies at your fingertips. This bill is wrong, and I think, deep down, you know it. Veto HB7189 and send a reminder to the rest of Tallahassee that they are there to serve the wishes of the people, not the party.

Dear Random North Florida Republican Representative

Dear Representative,


As a resident of this fine state for over 35 years, I have come to accept certain political maneuvers as universal truths rather than as exceptions to the rule. Lying, for example, has been accepted as merely part of the political game. Basically, if you are a politician, at some point you will make promises that you will fail to keep or statements that simply do not bear any resemblance to what one would consider to be the truth. And while this is wrong on many levels, it is unfortunately a modern day fact of life. I bring this up only as a reference to the many campaign promises regarding education and the well being of the children of Florida that you undoubtedly made at some point in your career. If you are reading this and thinking to yourself, “I’ve never lied on the campaign trail or made promises to improve the well-being of the public schools”, then you are simply lying to yourself.

Though I do not expect the lying in politics to suddenly come to a screeching stop, or to witness a true “Mr. Smith Goes to Tallahassee” moment in my lifetime, I do want to remind you—a public servant—as to what exactly your job is. Now normally, I would never seek to tell a professional how to conduct his or her business. In fact, I used to believe that someone deemed a professional, who had years of college and training and experience, would be best to determine the changes and strategies necessary in that particular career field. But as a public school teacher, I have recently been told that that is not always the case. Apparently, it is far wiser to have inexperienced and untrained people determine what is in fact best for a particular field. Since you feel qualified to dictate what occurs in my area of expertise, let me expound on my ideas about the world of state politics.

First of all, you are a representative. You are in Tallahassee to represent the people in your gerrymandered district. More importantly, however, is your responsibility to represent what is in the best interest of the people of Florida. In other words, you need to fulfill the wishes of your constituents to the best of your ability. Let’s take HB 7189 as an example. Every single teacher’s union in the state is against this bill. Every single PTA and PTSA in the state is against this bill. The National Board for Professional Teaching Standards is against this bill. That’s a lot of people. Did you poll the good citizens of Florida to determine if this is what they truly wanted? Did you ask parents if they felt the changes you are planning to make are in the best interests of their children? Did you even once consult a legitimate group of public school teachers (not Senator Thrasher’s daughter who at one point was a teacher but is now a stay-at-home mom who will not be affected by the bill at all)? Can you honestly say that this bill fulfills the wishes of a majority of your constituents, or more importantly, a majority of the residents of the Sunshine State? Be truthful, this is not a campaign.

I also believe your status in the state of Florida puts you on the level of role model. After all, you are in Tallahassee to uphold the laws of the land and to defend the rights and privileges of the people of Florida that are provided in the state constitution. What a fantastic person for today’s youth to place on a pedestal! But I fear that your ability to be considered a role model is falling faster than the values of our homes. And the reason can be summed up in one word: hypocrite. How can someone be looked up to when he or she is dripping with hypocrisy? Let me explain. For the past year, we the people have been bombarded with the hate and venom that was the national healthcare debate. When it came to a vote, the Republican Party cried foul at a completely partisan vote. All Democrats, no Republicans. The Republicans were horrified that a vote of such importance, on a topic that would affect so many people, could be decided down party lines. But, my dear representative who serves the people and not the party, I challenge you to find me a Democrat who supported Bill 6 in the Senate. Will the House hold true to party lines? Will the same Republicans who were appalled at party line voting speak up in the House and actually vote for the people and not the party? You know the answer to that. Hypocrisy rears its ugly head again.

Again, I don’t wish to tell you how to do your job. I am not a politician and my degree is not in political science. I haven’t been in the State House since I was a kid on a field trip, and even then it was just for a tour. I probably shouldn’t be explaining to you the details of your job. But then again, are you a teacher? Is your degree in education? Have you taught in a public school? Better yet, have you been to a public school for a significant amount of time (not a public appearance or campaign stop) to truly gain an understanding of what goes on in each of the classrooms? You know the answer to that as well.

I think that if you truly had an understanding of education, you would also have an understanding of why so many teachers in the state are outraged at HB 7189. But therein lies the rub: you do not understand what we do. More importantly, you do not understand what we need. Or what the children need. If you did, this bill would never have made it out of committee. It would have been laughed off. It would have been labeled exactly what it is—a slap in the face to public school teachers and a turning of the screws on the thumbs of the unions that represent them.

So I ask you, humble employee of the taxpayers, to seek out the truth. Take a cold, hard, non-partisan look at the details of this bill. Gain an understanding of what it means to educate the whole child. Accept the idea that although teachers did not go into the education profession for vast wealth that we do deserve the right to earn a decent living—and that that right should not be based on the whims of a child or the facets of his or her life that are well beyond our control. More importantly I ask you to set aside the lying and hypocrisy that plague the modern political spectrum and to do what you were hired to do: represent the people of Florida.

Oh, Senator Thrasher, how misguided you are...

So today, the witch hunt officially comes to a climatic end. At some time this afternoon, a group of non-educators will determine the future of the career that I have dedicated the past sixteen years of my life to. With a simple yea or nay a group of uninformed and illogical people hundreds of miles away will decide that a group of tweens should be responsible for my livelihood. With a total disregard for the accountability of the people who brought these children into the world in the first place, and a complete lack of knowledge of what actually needs to take place in a classroom, Senator Thrasher and his cohorts are going to effectively kill public education and replace it with a glorified test preparation service. How does this make sense? All we as teachers hear, day in and day out, year in and year out, is the mantra from those above us, “Don’t teach to the test, don’t teach to the test…” Will that mantra change? How can it not? Now it will be, “Don’t teach to the test, don’t teach to the test…but 50% of your salary and your ability to pay your mortgage will be based on the results…but don’t teach to the test…”


And let’s not forget about the indictment that this bill makes on the entire system of higher education in this country. Don’t think that the colleges and universities are leaving this travesty unscathed. Apparently, the graduate schools that I attended and the in-depth programs that I successfully navigated through are bogus. That’s right. According to this bill, my Masters and Specialist degrees count for nothing. Maybe I should hold those institutions responsible for my lack of knowledge gained in the field of education. Where’s the accountability? After all, this bill is stating that my graduate degrees have no relevance in the classroom. Nor does my National Board certification (though it holds teachers to national standards that are far more rigorous than anything the state has ever put together), or the sixteen years of experience that I bring into my classroom every day.

In fact, I think that Senator Thrasher makes a good point regarding graduate degrees. How does an advanced degree really show ability? Therefore, I am calling on Senator Thrasher to be disbarred from the Florida Bar. After all, he received his Juris Doctor degree from Florida State in order to become an attorney. If we throw out graduate degrees, as apparently is the new precedent in Florida, why stop with teachers? Fair is fair. Plus, he got his graduate degree back in 1972—38 years ago! Shouldn’t we assume that he has gained no experience in that time period? Shouldn’t logic lead us to believe that he, in fact, is the same level of attorney that he was back before the days of disco?

Actually, I hope that Senator Thrasher remains an attorney for a while because, quite frankly, I may need one in the future. Not because of any criminal transgressions, but because I plan to sue every parent whose child fails to show significant learning gains on the FCAT. That’s right. If I feel that a parent was negligent in any way, shape, or form in their parenting duties, I’m going to sue them. I’m pretty certain that I can sue someone for interfering with my ability to earn a living. If accountability is going to be enforced, it needs to be enforced on every entity that has an effect—positive or negative—on the abilities of a child to succeed in education. Seem irrational? Maybe. But no more than linking my livelihood to the whims of a pre-teen who, quite honestly, is more interested in texting than testing.

On a side (and less sarcastic) note, I fear that the worst aspect of Senate Bill 6 will come to fruition with its passing. Uneducated children. This bill will force teachers to focus only on items covered by the test. No more teaching to the whole child, no more sharing of life experiences or real world situations. No more arts or vocational education. No more hands on labs, no more field trips. Just test prep. Education without emotion. And that might be the worst part of this entire ordeal.

Senate Bill 6: Put Up or Shut Up, Senator Thrasher

It should not surprise anyone that I, a public school teacher, am adamantly against the new education bill, Senate Bill 6, currently being debated in Tallahassee. Its sponsor, State Senator John Thrasher, believes that by eliminating incentives and bonuses for highly qualified teachers and by basing 50% of all teachers’ salaries on the test scores of children that he will be able to bring public education in Florida to utopian levels. As a logical person, I disagree.


Mind you, I don’t disagree with accountability. Not in the least bit. In fact, let’s forget about SB6 eliminating funding for National Board teachers in Florida—a group of teachers that this same legislative body acknowledged in state statute 1012.72 that, “The Legislature finds that the National Board for Professional Teaching Standards (NBPTS) has established high and rigorous standards for accomplished teaching and has developed a national voluntary system for assessing and certifying teachers who demonstrate teaching excellence by meeting those standards.” And let’s forget about districts being forced to eliminate incentives for teachers with graduate degrees. And let’s forget about educating the whole child rather than merely serving as a test prep service. Let’s forget all that for a moment and focus on accountability.

I believe that all people who receive their salaries from taxpayer dollars must be held accountable for their jobs. As a teacher, I fall into that category. As a State Senator, so does John Thrasher. Apparently, my salary should be tied to my areas of accountability (student safety, learning gains, writing ability), and Mr. Thrasher’s salary should likewise be tied to his areas of accountability (unemployment, state economy, beach erosion). Now I know that some people will scoff at the idea of a politician being accountable for unemployment and the state economy and beach erosion because there are many outside contributing factors to each of those issues. Surely, Mr. Thrasher could not have foreseen the recession that swamped the state and forced thousands of residents to lose their jobs. Nor could he have predicted the crash of the housing market in Florida that sent the economy of the state tumbling. And he certainly could not have prevented myriad storms that relentlessly ate away at the golden sands of our glorious beaches. I mean those are mitigating factors that are completely out of the good senator’s hands. Variables, if you will.

But as a teacher, my variables are ignored by Mr. Thrasher. He ignores the fact that as a middle school language arts teacher I see an individual child for 53 minutes a day. That’s 4.2% of that child’s day if you round up the time to an hour. Leaving 95.8% of his or her day left to outside variables. I have no control over the child’s diet, bed time, amount of time in front of a television, enforcement of homework activities, time on the streets, truancy, or family vacations taken for weeks at a time in the middle of the school year. I have no control over whether that child will stay out until three in the morning the night before the FCAT, or spend hours in an ER due to an abusive parent. I certainly cannot control the fact that the FCAT Writing test takes place in February, a mere 96 full school days into the year. Nor can I control the subjective nature of the grading of this exam or the mood of the single individual who will be grading it.

These are my variables, and I cannot control them any more than a politician can control the economic environment or the amount of sand on our beaches. But that’s alright. Accountability is the name of the game and I’m willing to play, variables and all. How about you, Mr. Thrasher? Are you willing to play? I hope so. After all, fair is fair when it comes to taxpayer money, and you and I have the same employer. Shouldn’t we be held to the same standards?

Random Thoughts on Music from an 80's Child

1. The album “Nevermind” by the group Nirvana is the single most overrated album of all time. The constant exaggeration of the music and talent of Kurt Cobain is mind-boggling. The songs on the album were good, but they in no way should be compared with the likes of Lennon/McCartney, Springsteen, or Dylan, as they often are. In fact, in comparing the album to music of the same time period, I would put Pearl Jam’s “Ten” and Green Day’s “Dookie” in a much higher class for musicianship, lyrics, and overall impact on the music industry.

2. Bruce Springsteen is not a songwriter. He is a poet who happens to play guitar.

3. Pop stars who sing songs written by someone else cannot be referred to as artists. An artist creates something. How is Brittany Spears not considered a karaoke singer? What does she do differently? I guarantee that if she were unattractive, she would be bagging groceries at the local A&P.

4. I think the most important albums of the 1980’s are (in no particular order): U2’s “The Joshua Tree” (catapulted one of the most influential bands into worldwide fame, allowing Bono to take up and promote causes that benefitted millions of people), Springsteen’s “Born in the USA” (revitalized rock music at time when disco had ended and New Wave was taking the genre in a very different direction), Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” (successfully melded pop music and R&B and brought along a style that is still imitated today), Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” (took speed metal to a level of artistry that no other metal band has ever been able to accomplish—6-10 minute songs of blistering powerchords, machine gun drumming, and thought-provoking lyrics), John Cougar Mellencamp’s “Scarecrow” (changed the entire persona of the singer and brought attention to the issue of the American farmer—became part of the creation of the Farm Aid concert) and Guns-n-Roses’ “Appetite for Destruction” (one of the greatest debut albums ever, AFD did not contain a single piece of filler music and epitomized the L.A. metal scene as it developed into more than just big hair and make-up. I would also throw in any Run-DMC album from the decade.

5. Van Halen was great with both David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar, but “5150” was their most complete album.

6. The day John Lennon was murdered should be considered “the day the music died.” No disrespect to Ritchie Valens, Big Bopper, and Buddy Holly.

7. Beatles over Elvis any day. Not even close.

8. The idea of a movie soundtrack has evolved tremendously over the past few decades. John Hughes’ use of avant-garde and undiscovered pop music for his movies was just as important to the films as the writing. John Cusack’s selection of songs for “High Fidelity” was simply brilliant. And “Dazed and Confused” and “Almost Famous” perfectly captured the essence of the struggling rock genre in the mid-1970’s.

9. Music for children today is great. Laurie Berkner, Dan Zanes, and They Might Be Giants are so much cooler than Raffi.

10. I miss the soft, crackling sound of vinyl records.

11. I do not miss the impossible task of returning the giant paper record sleeve into the album cover.

12. Why did record companies make 45’s with a giant hole that required a special little plastic piece to secure it to the record player? Why not make the hole the same size as the one on the 33’s?

13. I loved to play records on the wrong speed and imagine the Chipmunks were singing.

14. Certain bands were just meant to be heard live: Dave Matthews Band, AC/DC, and Genesis. Bruce Springsteen circa 1985 would be tops on the list if time travel were a possibility.

15. Bands I wish I had seen in concert before I was born, before they split up, or before they died: Beatles circa “Let it Be”, Led Zeppelin, original Pink Floyd lineup performing “The Wall”, The Doors in their early days at the Whiskey-a-Go-Go.

16. Eminem’s rhyme patterns are simply brilliant from a poetic standpoint. They are reminiscent of the early songs of Kool Mo Dee, who applied massive doses of alliteration throughout every song.

17. I miss songs that tell stories and incorporate elements of literature into the lyrics. Where are the characters? Brenda and Eddie in “Italian Restaurant”, Mary and her swaying dress in “Thunder Road”, Desmond and Molly in the marketplace…

18. If I were the President, my first law would require musical artists to include lyric sheets in every album.

19. I love Weird Al. I think he is a genius.

20. The acoustic guitar song in the movie “The Story of Us” is one of my favorite instrumental songs. It was the best part of that movie.

21. I saw Bruce Springsteen in concert at the Orange Bowl in 1985 when he was touring in support of his newly released “Born in the USA” album. It was summer, and he played for nearly four hours. I never sat down. His stage was set up in the open end zone of the stadium and I remember thinking that at one point, the palm trees outside the stadium were swaying in time with the music. My dad took me and my brother and had surprised us with the tickets long after the show had been declared a sellout. Our seats were great and my dad bought me a poster and a concert shirt. It is one of my favorite childhood memories with my dad. I still have the shirt (it doesn’t fit).

22. I have never been into a musical group or performer as much as I am into the Dave Matthews Band. This includes my years of obsessing over the music of Billy Joel, Springsteen, and heavy metal in general. DMB has been able to reach something in me that I can’t put into words (or would want to). Seeing them in concert is a religious experience. Not organized religion, but rather some sort of hedonistic or pagan form of hippie/medieval voodoo type of religion. Yeah, it’s that complicated.

23. While The Who’s “Tommy” and Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” are probably the best known rock concept albums, and rightfully so as both albums sent forth some mind blowing songs, my two favorite concept albums are by far lesser known artists. Iron Maiden’s “Seventh Son of a Seventh Son” tells the story of a boy born with the extra sensory perception of clairvoyance and his burden of being able to see into the future. Maiden does not let the story get in the way of some of their best musical efforts. In the same rock genre of heavy metal, Queensryche’s “Operation Mindcrime” is filled with espionage, lust, drug use, religion, violence, and the breakdown of the most basic elements of human nature. The music is exceptional and the live performance of the entire rock opera was remarkable. Green Day’s “American Idiot” and “21st Century Breakdown” rank near the top as well and over time will probably be one and two respectively.

24. Bette Midler is so much more talented than Barbara Streisand, as an actress and a singer. And no, I’m not gay.

25. Any rock band can write a hit ballad. Ballads are easy, both lyrically and musically. Show me a band that can create an unforgettable, fast moving anthem and I’ll admit to their talent. You hear that, Coldplay?

26. I do not like any songs that have the words “Honky—tonk” in the title.

Rant #1: The Evil That is Florida Power and Light

So, my nemesis Florida Power and Light has tried to make amends with me in an effort to stop my public chastising of the scam that they perpetuate on a daily basis to the good folks of South Florida. This month, Forever Plundering and Looting (FP&L) returned money to its customers to the tune of $44.46 per 1,000 kilowatt-watt hours consumed. I received a credit in my account (that’s not a typo, I said credit) for $86 and change. My, my, my! A credit from FP&L? Unheard of! The explanation that accompanied my bill came from the president and CEO himself! I felt so special (that’s why I’ve been using exclamation points)! Here’s what the Electricity Czar had to say: “Customers are seeing the benefit not only of lower fuel prices but also our investments in modern, more fuel-efficient power plants.” Really? I’m sorry for my skepticism, but didn’t this same man just threaten the state commission with pulling the funding for the creation of “modern, more fuel-efficient power plants” if they didn’t approve a record increase of over $1.2 billion? An increase to the very consumers he is expecting praise from.


Where did this refund come from any way? Where did Fool People and Lie suddenly come up with enough money to refund millions of people what would amount to a significant amount of money? Well, apparently, Mr. Electrical Wizard (no offense to the real Mr. Wizard who was a genius and all-around swell guy) purchased the fuel that it takes to run a power plant on a several year contract at a time when oil was at an all-time high. This didn’t really matter to him because he just pushed the additional costs on to us (he is so not swell like Mr. Wizard). Remember when it cost $4.50 a gallon at the pump? That’s when this brilliant leader decided to lock in his fuel rates for the next couple of years. But now, fuel costs have dropped (they actually dropped two years ago), and by law he must refund the money to us. How kind. Maybe the good people at Freakin’ Petty and Low ought to do a little more research and discover that maybe they need to purchase fuel in a different fashion, or for shorter contracts, or from a different supplier (Costco?).

Oh, and while you’re at it, FP&L, stop making commercials with our money! You are a monopoly. You have no competition in this region. Why are you advertising on television? That money could be spent on the new “modern, more fuel-efficient power plants” you keep harping on. That way, you wouldn’t have to pull a “spoiled child on the playground” routine when the state commission says no when you ask for a raise in your allowance. Or you could give me another credit on my bill for the money you saved by not creating television commercials. Of course then, Mr. I Have The Power might have to take a pay cut from his $1.23 million salary. That’s right, $1.23 million…and he’s not even close to being the highest paid at that reputable organization. Top key executive salaries are: $3.66 million, $1.84 million, $1.15 million, $1.24 million, and of course, $1.23 million. So forgive my cynicism about the whole $86 refund in my bill this month…a refund of money that I was overcharged…a refund of money that I basically loaned those scam artists to cover their bad investment…a refund of my money that excludes the interest that any other loan would provide…I’ll try not to spend it all in one place.

Six Degrees of Eggs and Bacon

In this time of recession, war, abject poverty, disaster, and overall worldwide malaise, people can be come, understandably, somewhat depressed. Why not help the world smile a little more? Wouldn’t you like to be part of the solution rather than the problem? Now you can, with a simple understanding of this remarkable new role playing game invented by yours truly (just trying to do my part, a little bit at a time).

I call the game, “Six Degrees of Eggs and Bacon.” Clever, I know. And all you need to play is a handful of friends and your local Denny’s (IHOP can be substituted, but I personally refuse to eat in any establishment that feels the need to name a food product “Rooty-Tooty Fresh and Fruity”…I have standards—they’re low, but they are standards). Anyhow, you need a basic, run of the mill breakfast oriented dining establishment (oh, yeah, not Waffle House either—seriously, have you been in one? What the hell?).

So, enter the Denny’s with your pack of hungry friends and wait to be seated. You will need to wait to be seated…not because the restaurant is full (it won’t be), but because the sign tells you to wait and as a society we have been programmed to follow all signs no matter how ridiculous or inappropriate (don’t get me started on “Slow Children at Play” which I happen to find insulting and wish they would become politically correct and refer to these youngsters as Learning Disabled). At some point, a hostess/manager/waitress/busboy/cook will come out and greet you and ask if she can help you. I have discovered that it is safer to simply say, “Yes, I’d like to be seated” as opposed to saying, “Yeah, do my taxes.” The hostess/manager/waitress/busboy/cook tends to not have a sense of humor.

Once seated, the game officially begins. Peruse the seemingly limitless number of items on the menu, taking special note of the lovely photographs that are provided for the people who are too lazy to actually read the description of the food. Lovely, aren’t they? Also, ever notice that the menus have a weird stickiness and the faint smell of maple syrup? Weird… To continue with the game, at least one person in your dining party must order an item that contains both eggs and bacon, and the eggs must be ordered sunny side up. This is critical to the success of the game (also, in this time of recession, war, abject poverty, disaster, and overall worldwide malaise, isn’t it nice to order something with the word “sunny” in it?). After everyone has ordered, pass around some hand sanitizer and await the arrival of the food. This is a good time to go use the restroom, because once the food arrives, the hilarity begins—and you don’t want to miss that!

Once the food is delivered to the table, the person who ordered the sunny-side up eggs and bacon will need to move quickly. Let’s assume it’s you because, from what I understand, you are a natural leader. First, assemble the eggs and bacon on the plate in an order that resembles a face. Eggs for eyes, bacon for mouth. Feel free to utilize other food items for noses, though not entirely necessary. And make sure it resembles a real face and not some vertical eyed Picasso-esque version of a face. Once the artwork is completed, call the server back to the table. Now this is critical: You must act sad. I know, I know—how do I act sad when I’m staring at a happy face made from eggs with the word sunny in them? It’s difficult, but you can do it. When the server arrives, begin telling her that you are deeply distraught because your breakfast eerily resembles your recently departed Uncle Albert (you can utilize any type of relative with any name for this: Aunt Jenny, Cousin Luke, Step daddy Bob). If you can work up tears, great! If not, make the sadness sincere. Remember, you are distraught. Ask questions like, “Is this some sort of sick sordid joke (note the alliteration for emphasis)?” Be outraged: “How dare you desecrate the image of a loving family member!!!” Don’t smile—look away from the happy eggs if it helps.

Your friends play a vital role in this game as well. After all, what fun is a game without friends (except for solitaire and drinking--hey, I can call it a game if I want to)? They must also be outraged and indignant at this insult to your good family name. One of your friends must then insist on seeing the manager. You would ask for the manager, but you’re too distraught. When the manager arrives, continue with the charade and insist that the meal be replaced with one that does not resemble your dearly departed Uncle Albert. Believe it or not, most managers will replace the meal. Now, when the server returns with the new plate (though most likely it’s the same plate with the original items now moved around the surface in a non-facial manner), look at the food, open your eyes as wide as possible, drop your jaw low and in a barely audible, shakey whisper say, “Mom?” Pause for reaction.  Then laugh hysterically.

As you wait to be bailed out, use your time in jail to reflect back on the hilarity that is “Six Degrees of Eggs and Bacon”. Think about new types of food that can make faces on plates and expand your playing field to other eateries. Personally, I’ve got a cousin whose face closely resembles a pepperoni pizza…watch out Pizza Hut, here I come!

No Writing, Just Fun

Shotgun!!!

“Jesus is my co-pilot” bumper stickers bother me to no end. Religious bumper stickers in general bother me. The idea of needing to advertise one’s religion is absurd and would lead me to believe that the religion is really not that impressive to begin with. If it was such an incredible faith, everyone would know about it already—and everybody would already be a part of it. But the “co-pilot” stickers…those are the worst. They are the epitome of narcissism, the peak of human hubris, and the very core of all that is wrong with organized religion. Ok, maybe not the core, but definitely part of the inner areas--you know, the parts we all have but no one really likes to talk about.

First, to believe that Jesus has chosen you, the driver, to sit with on your journey to the supermarket is ludicrous. There are six billion people on this planet and you feel that the son of God has decided that you need the most help while on the road? What good would He do you anyway? Sure, I bet He finds great parking spots, not to mention the benefit of having Him with you if you are pulled over by a State Trooper (“No officer, I don’t know how fast I was going…maybe my friend here can answer that….Jesus?”), but in all reality He really is not needed in the car. Now once you get to the supermarket, that’s a different story. I mean, water into wine? What a money saver!

Also, there is no way that Jesus is riding shotgun. It’s just not going to happen. He’s the son of God! He’s going to be driving…and He’s going to be driving fast. This would make sense. He would zip by people doing 90 and they would yell out, “Jesus Christ!” and He of course would smile and wink and say, “Ya got that right, buddy.” So no riding shotgun. Not now, not ever.

And what about your car? Don’t you think Jesus would want to be seen in something a little more up to par with being a holy spirit? An ’89 Dodge Neon is just not going to work. He’s got a reputation to think about. For crying out loud, He's the son of God!  And he definitely is not going to drive around in a vehicle with bumper stickers on it—unless it was something truly witty.  No, Jesus would want a convertible.  Yeah, that's right.  Top down, hair flowing magnificently in the wind.  Flashing that "I'm a great deity" charm that He's known for.  That's how He rolls...

So, the JIMCP bumper stickers have got to go. Peel them off, paint over them, or replace them…maybe with a nice “Jesus is the reason for the season” sticker...

Great Expectations

I would like to write a book. Not necessarily a novel, though it would be creative and fiction, but rather a collection of beginnings. I love the beginnings of stories—the really descriptive, creative beginnings that draw the readers in and force them to continue. I can handle writing the beginnings of stories, but I tend to lose focus shortly thereafter. Therefore, I hope to write a book of beginnings. And people could buy the book with understanding that it will, in fact, go nowhere. However, it will be interesting and intriguing for snippets at a time. Here are some excerpts from my forthcoming venture into the world of beginnings:


1. The cold air blew in silently through the cracked window, crept around the staggered furniture, gently touched the marble tiled floor, and remorsefully settled on the dry skin of the sleeping old woman. Death traveled by many means, but this was its favorite.

2. One bead of sweat. One lonely bead of sweat stretching down his face and hanging precariously from his chin. One deep breath. One finger. One trigger. From up here, it all finally made sense.

3. Perfection fell across the campground under the guise of nature and a sunrise that, although a daily occurrence in these parts, bore the very proof that God did exist in some form or another. It was unrivaled beauty, and it hurt.

4. “I have to tell you something, and I’ve been up for days struggling over the way to say it.” She looked away, towards the door, as if wanting to leave or expecting someone to suddenly enter and save her from this conversation. She did not leave. No one entered. Her eyes turned back to his and she was met with the unexpected stare of stability. He knew, she thought. He knows the dark that is about to encompass our lives.

5. He moved quickly through the park, stopping only long enough to second-look the small figure crawling through the concrete tube. Not her. A laugh from the swings turned his head backwards and his body slowly followed. A squint against the blinding sunset helped focus his stare. Not her. The bent metal gate rattled behind him as he moved past the playground and towards the edge of the woods. His heart raced, but he was still. “Please, not the woods again,” he whispered.

And that’s Chapter 1!

Don’t they just captivate the mind? I think I’m on to something. Maybe my next work will be a collection of endings…

Will Work for Phone

Today I saw a "homeless" man standing at a pretty high-traffic intersection.  He was waiting for the signal to change so that he could continue panhandling from the drivers who had driven too slowly to make the light.  I watched, with great interest, as this man proceeded to take out a Blackberry-esque phone and began texting a message to someone (possibly a fellow homeless friend on a different street corner).  Two things came to mind as I watched him feverishly thumb-type a message of seemingly great importance:

1.  I am woefully underpaid as a teacher, as I can not even remotely afford a Blackberry or the service required to send texts of the utmost importance.

2. This man needs to get his priorities in order! 

The first thought, that of being underpaid as a public school teacher, jumps to mind all of the time regardless of the situation.  Let's face it, everyone believes they are underpaid.  It's always on my mind and the homeless guy had little to do with that thought.

However, the simple fact that this man had enough money for an expensive phone (and service plan) but was supposedly living on the street was absurd.  Either his priorities were completely out of whack, or he was running some kind of scam.  I'm actually hoping it was a scam because the thought of a person feeling that cellular prowess was far more important than basic necessities, such as food and shelter, sends my brain into a tizzy.  Truth be told, I would bet that if many of my students were surveyed about what they felt were the necessities of life many of them would list their phones in the top three--leaving clothing by the wayside.  Maybe it's because I'm just not that into cell phones.  Or maybe it's because I enjoy living indoors and eating food (rather than finding food).  But it is just difficult to imagine needing to be so connected that I would be willing to forgo the luxuries of the basics.

I should have asked him.  I should have pulled off to the side of the road, approached him, waited for him to finish his text as to not be rude, and asked him point blank, "Who the hell are you calling!"  I mean, isn't that really the twist in this story?  Who are this guy's friends that know he is living on the streets but maintaining a cellular account?  Well, I didn't ask.  But the next time I see this guy I'll text him that question...