Six Degrees of Eggs and Bacon

In this time of recession, war, abject poverty, disaster, and overall worldwide malaise, people can be come, understandably, somewhat depressed. Why not help the world smile a little more? Wouldn’t you like to be part of the solution rather than the problem? Now you can, with a simple understanding of this remarkable new role playing game invented by yours truly (just trying to do my part, a little bit at a time).

I call the game, “Six Degrees of Eggs and Bacon.” Clever, I know. And all you need to play is a handful of friends and your local Denny’s (IHOP can be substituted, but I personally refuse to eat in any establishment that feels the need to name a food product “Rooty-Tooty Fresh and Fruity”…I have standards—they’re low, but they are standards). Anyhow, you need a basic, run of the mill breakfast oriented dining establishment (oh, yeah, not Waffle House either—seriously, have you been in one? What the hell?).

So, enter the Denny’s with your pack of hungry friends and wait to be seated. You will need to wait to be seated…not because the restaurant is full (it won’t be), but because the sign tells you to wait and as a society we have been programmed to follow all signs no matter how ridiculous or inappropriate (don’t get me started on “Slow Children at Play” which I happen to find insulting and wish they would become politically correct and refer to these youngsters as Learning Disabled). At some point, a hostess/manager/waitress/busboy/cook will come out and greet you and ask if she can help you. I have discovered that it is safer to simply say, “Yes, I’d like to be seated” as opposed to saying, “Yeah, do my taxes.” The hostess/manager/waitress/busboy/cook tends to not have a sense of humor.

Once seated, the game officially begins. Peruse the seemingly limitless number of items on the menu, taking special note of the lovely photographs that are provided for the people who are too lazy to actually read the description of the food. Lovely, aren’t they? Also, ever notice that the menus have a weird stickiness and the faint smell of maple syrup? Weird… To continue with the game, at least one person in your dining party must order an item that contains both eggs and bacon, and the eggs must be ordered sunny side up. This is critical to the success of the game (also, in this time of recession, war, abject poverty, disaster, and overall worldwide malaise, isn’t it nice to order something with the word “sunny” in it?). After everyone has ordered, pass around some hand sanitizer and await the arrival of the food. This is a good time to go use the restroom, because once the food arrives, the hilarity begins—and you don’t want to miss that!

Once the food is delivered to the table, the person who ordered the sunny-side up eggs and bacon will need to move quickly. Let’s assume it’s you because, from what I understand, you are a natural leader. First, assemble the eggs and bacon on the plate in an order that resembles a face. Eggs for eyes, bacon for mouth. Feel free to utilize other food items for noses, though not entirely necessary. And make sure it resembles a real face and not some vertical eyed Picasso-esque version of a face. Once the artwork is completed, call the server back to the table. Now this is critical: You must act sad. I know, I know—how do I act sad when I’m staring at a happy face made from eggs with the word sunny in them? It’s difficult, but you can do it. When the server arrives, begin telling her that you are deeply distraught because your breakfast eerily resembles your recently departed Uncle Albert (you can utilize any type of relative with any name for this: Aunt Jenny, Cousin Luke, Step daddy Bob). If you can work up tears, great! If not, make the sadness sincere. Remember, you are distraught. Ask questions like, “Is this some sort of sick sordid joke (note the alliteration for emphasis)?” Be outraged: “How dare you desecrate the image of a loving family member!!!” Don’t smile—look away from the happy eggs if it helps.

Your friends play a vital role in this game as well. After all, what fun is a game without friends (except for solitaire and drinking--hey, I can call it a game if I want to)? They must also be outraged and indignant at this insult to your good family name. One of your friends must then insist on seeing the manager. You would ask for the manager, but you’re too distraught. When the manager arrives, continue with the charade and insist that the meal be replaced with one that does not resemble your dearly departed Uncle Albert. Believe it or not, most managers will replace the meal. Now, when the server returns with the new plate (though most likely it’s the same plate with the original items now moved around the surface in a non-facial manner), look at the food, open your eyes as wide as possible, drop your jaw low and in a barely audible, shakey whisper say, “Mom?” Pause for reaction.  Then laugh hysterically.

As you wait to be bailed out, use your time in jail to reflect back on the hilarity that is “Six Degrees of Eggs and Bacon”. Think about new types of food that can make faces on plates and expand your playing field to other eateries. Personally, I’ve got a cousin whose face closely resembles a pepperoni pizza…watch out Pizza Hut, here I come!